Reflections on Motherhood

Some really good vibes must have been circulating through our house Friday, because that night I did the unthinkable: I took all three children, by myself, to a restaurant. I think this is the biggest violation ever of my “Rules of Three”—a code of conduct I drafted for myself in a moment of motherly distress (I think it was about a month before Thomas was born, after a fiasco at the dollar store in which I unwisely let the children roam free, resulting in dozens of items pulled from the shelf and earsplitting meltdowns over the mylar balloons) in hopes of reducing motherly anxiety and fatigue. The code includes a list of places I can and cannot take the children:

Where I can take all three:
• The toy room/playground
• Tolono Library
• Parks
• Orpheum Children’s Museum
• Curtis Orchard
• All Things Kids
• A friend’s house

Where I cannot take all three:
• Any grocery store (Aldi, Wal Mart, Meijer, etc.)
• Any other store except for All Things Kids
• The doctor’s office

A few more rules, and the document ends with Elder Uchtdorff’s prophetic admonition: “Slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials.”

Granted I didn’t include “restaurants” on my list of cannots, but that was already a given. I did set an expiration date for these rules: May 22, my birthday. By then I could reevaluate the three-kid situation and maybe make some changes to my rules. So really, this wasn’t a blatant violation because my birthday is in two days, and it was my “free bowl of birthday noodles” at Noodles and Company that prompted this wild idea in the first place. Adam was at a church meeting for the evening, and I was excited by the prospect of not having to do any dishes. So that morning I promised the kids a trip to “a restaurant” for dinner if they would help me clean the house, which they did.

Fortunately (for me and for my children’s future desires to eat at restaurants), Jared and Allison were very well-behaved. They enjoyed their bowls of mac and cheese, and the worst that happened was Allison sprinkling the salt and pepper all over her side of the table (and trying to lick it up). Overall they were well-behaved, and people smiled at us and we happily ate our noodles. It was a nice evening away.

The restaurant is situated near Wright and Green Street, the heart of campus town. It was very interesting to be in a place so filled with young people. Whenever I walk through UIUC campus, I feel somewhat conspicuous. Most of the girls around me look about my age, but while they are carrying purses and books and iPods, I am carrying a diaper bag and holding two little hands. This time was no different; I felt like I aged ten years as I pulled my minivan into a parking spot next to some sporty sedans (and some not-so-sporty sedans) and as students passed while I worked to assemble my double stroller. Walking through campus also causes me to reflect on my current life as a mom. Although I loved taking classes in college, and the “carefree” single life had its good moments, I wouldn’t trade motherhood for all the college fun in the world. My husband and children are the greatest joy in my life.

Unfortunately, I don’t always let those feelings show. Sometimes when I’m introduced to someone new who isn’t a member of the LDS church and they ask what I “do,” I say, “I’m a stay-at-home mom.” And then I find myself adding, “and I also do editing from home, and teach piano lessons, and…” Really, these things are a very minute part of my current “occupation.” But sometimes I feel like I need to add something more to my identity to keep others from thinking, What does she do all day?

But I don’t need to feel that way. I love this quote from Elder Quentin L. Cook, a living apostle and witness of Jesus Christ:

“No woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan.” Wow. What a great reminder of the eternal importance of our role as mothers.

Speaking of mothers, here are a couple more of my favorite motherhood quotes:

“A mother has far greater influence on her children than anyone else, and she must realize that every word she speaks, every act, every response, her attitude, even her appearance and manner of dress affect the lives of her children and the whole family. It is while the child is in the home that he gains from his mother the attitudes, hopes, and beliefs that will determine the kind of life he will live and the contribution he will make to society.” (N. Eldon Tanner, 1977)

No pressure, moms! It’s a good thing we don’t have to do our job alone. The next quote is by President Spencer W Kimball. I discovered it in a little book at the BYU library when I was newlywed and refer to it often.

“Many people in the Church do not have the right concept of a child. They think that he is a personality to play with, to dress, to enjoy, to have, to hold. They never think seriously about the tremendous responsibility of developing that little spirit without earthly knowledge into a fit subject for the kingdom of God.

“We do not rear children just to please our vanity. We bring children into the world to become kings and queens, and priests and priestesses for our Lord.” (Spencer W. Kimball, A Prophet’s Voice)

Let’s never forget the eternal significance of motherhood. And when the world is confused over women’s roles and the value of family and children, I hope the mothers of the world will champion their divine role. As the First Presidency of the Church wrote in 1942, “Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels.”

To Blog or Not to Blog

Why do you blog? And what do you blog about? Do you blog to tell a story--the story of your exploits as a _________ (Fill in the blank. Mother, student, etc.)? Do you blog for the sheer enjoyment of writing? To keep friends and family abreast of what's going on in your life? Or, if you were to search your soul a little deeper, would you find that you are blogging about your lifestyle to impress your readers? To give the impression that your life is perfect—filled with themed birthday parties, crafts, home deco projects, and perfectly-behaved, brilliantly-minded, clean and obedient children?

If that is the case, you may be contributing to the depressed mom blogreader syndrome. According to some, this is a condition caused when mothers blog only about positive events in their lives. And they do it intentionally, to put on a façade of perfection. Then other moms—the real moms, the down-in-the-trenches moms who are struggling with rowdy children, messy homes, hectic schedules, and not enough time or energy to do everything and be everything they wish they could and think they should be—these moms read such blogs, feel like their own imperfect lives don't measure up, and they feel depressed.

Whenever I think about this blogger dilemma, I begin to hyper analyze my posts. Are my posts too happy? Should I be writing more about my problems? I hope that what few readers I have realize that when I publish my monthly or bi-monthly post, a lot has happened since the previous post. A lot ranging from good to bad to in between. I hope they don't think that all I ever do is attend family weddings, buy minivans, and make Mini Mouse cakes for my two-year-old daughter. How superficial. That's certainly not my life.

The more I think about it, the more I begin to understand how this problem comes to be. Sure there may be some moms who blog with the intent of putting on a face, but more often than not such an outcome is probably unintentional. And it all goes back to why moms blog. Imagine: you are the aforementioned mother of rowdy children, a messy home, a hectic schedule, and not enough time or energy to do everything you would like. Are you going to sit down at the end of a difficult day and spend your precious free time blogging about how frazzled you feel?

And anyway, what about President Hinckley's admonition to "accentuate the positive"?

You may have heard that it takes 5 positives to cancel out 1 negative. But did you know that it takes 20 positives to 1 negative to equal happiness? It's true, according to a posting I found on BabyFit.com (a posting written by a MOM, I will add). Though it can be therapeutic to vent, your "vent posts" had better be infrequent or your blog will quickly adopt a negative feel, and you'll probably lose readers. So let's do the math. If you write a new post every week of the year, that's 52 posts. And only 2.6 of them can be negative if you are going to follow the 20-to-1 ratio and maintain happy blog milieu. Considering I post about twice a month, that leaves me room for only one negative post per year. (So when that annual posting finally comes along, watch out. It's going to be a doozy.)

Back to my original question: What should I write about? I've found that I most enjoy writing about funny family incidents. I most enjoy reading other blogs that explore interesting ideas and then solicit feedback from their readers. Recently I've grappled with the possibility of turning my blog into a journal substitute (My journal writing has plummeted since having kids). But while that may work for some, I don't think it's right for me. What I would write in a private journal I wouldn't publish in a public venue. And anyway, who wants to read every detail of our family life? Not you, I'm sure!

As I discussed the conundrum of "what to write about" with Adam last night, he reminded me of one of our favorite quotes by Elder Douglas L. Callister, spoken at his 2006 BYU devotional: "Refinement in speech is reflected not only in our choice of words but also in the things we talk about. There are those who always speak of themselves, and they are either insecure or proud. There are those who always speak of others. They are usually very boring. There are those who speak of stirring ideas, compelling books, and inspiring doctrine. These are the few who make their mark in this world."

I think Elder Callister has the right idea. It's a little terrifying (Okay, I'll be honest. It's extremely terrifying.) because I don't exactly consider myself to be a wellspring of stirring ideas, but I have noticed that I feel the most enriched and refreshed after an engaging discussion with my husband about an idea, a problem, or a potential solution. A few months ago we scraped together our pennies and went on a date to Timpones, an elegant little restaurant in campustown just off Oregon and Goodwin. The crowd there is very different from what you might encounter at Chile's, Olive Garden, or even Biaggi's. The average age there was about 50, and I was surprised to realize that most parties were not couples but groups of four to six. These people did not come for a romantic evening away. They were largely professors, gathered to enjoy uncommon cuisine and talk about (and I quote my husband) "bright ideas and funny things." It felt so refreshing to be surrounded by these intelligent, interesting people. It almost made me want to convince Adam to change his plans and become a professor (almost).

Although my ideas will probably never rival those of the Timpone's crowd, and admitting that I will still write an occasional post about birthday cakes and minivans, I have made up my mind to write more about "bright ideas and funny things"... in hopes of cultivating the former and celebrating the latter.

So what are your opinions? What do YOU write about?

Steven and Kristel's Wedding

Last weekend I got to fly out to Utah with Baby Thomas to attend Steven's wedding! It was fun to bring just one baby with me on an airplane. Thomas was cute and happy, flashing his dimpled smile at the flight attendants and nearby passengers.

Whenever I fly to Utah, I'm amazed at how many people are flying there for reasons other than my own (to visit family). On this flight I spoke with a couple who was going to a wedding in Las Vegas. I also met a pair of medical innovators who were guest speakers at a conference in Salt Lake City. The woman was friendly, and after she told me about her research, I told her about the upcoming wedding and invited her to check out Temple Square if she had time. I could tell she was somewhat curious about this "Mormon Church," and I hope she came away feeling like, despite being Mormon, I was a nice, normal person. :)

At 11:00, Lori and Matt picked me up from the airport. I used to begrudge the 40-minute drive from the Salt Lake Airport to our house in Provo, but now I appreciate the time it gives me to talk to whomever is picking me up. Matt, Lori, and I talked a lot about their moving plans this spring... they're moving to Batavia, IL. That's just a 2.5 hour drive away from us! Matt got a great economics job with AgCo, a big company that manufactures and distributes agricultural supplies (the "tractor company," as Jared calls it). Needless to say, I'm thrilled with Matt's choice of careers. It's going to be a fun summer with them nearby!

Once we made it to Provo, I introduced Thomas to everyone. I also got to jump on the neighbors' trampoline with Amy, chat with my parents, play soccer with Amy and Nathan, and talk with my brother on his last day of singlehood. I told him that his life was just about to get much happier. ;) He met Kristel at the Alta BYU ward (where I met Adam and Lori met Matt), and she is a great catch. She's kind, wise, considerate of others, and enjoys having fun. She is working now as an elementary school teacher, and, from what I hear, her students and colleagues love her.

Friday was the big morning. The Dicksons all drove in the big white van to Salt Lake City. My cousin AmberLee took care of Thomas while we all went inside the Temple. It was such a beautiful sealing ceremony. What a wonderful eternal perspective I always come away with after being in the temple, especially after seeing a live sealing.

As we were gathering for pictures outside the temple steps, A tall, professionally-dressed woman approached Steven and Kristel. I immediately recognized her face--the news reporter for Channel 5 (the one who always does the Church-in-the-news reports inbetween sessions of Conference). She spoke with them for a minute, then ushered them off to the southeast corner of the temple where she proceeded to interview them about getting married on the same day as the royal wedding. Steven's sound bite must have been good, because they made it on the evening news...

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=15339630 (at the end of the video)

And on the front page of the Deseret News...

Deseret News: Local couples stage their own 'royal weddings'

The wedding lunch was at the Lion House, and the reception that night was at a nice reception center in Lindon. It was fun to see old neighbors, friends, and extended family.

The next morning we woke up to snow! I almost expected to see gifts and a lit Christmas tree in the front room as I descended the stairs for breakfast. We all went to watch Sarah perform her trumpet solo at the state competition at Lone Peak High School. She played a beautiful piece. After lunch it was time to say goodbye. That is always the hard part. As I buckled Thomas's car seat into Matt and Lori's car, I wondered how old he will be the next time we see my parents. I've come out to Provo four times in the last year (three weddings and a funeral), which has been a great blessing. We're not sure when we'll have another opportunity to bring the whole family out. That probably depends on where we move next year. But it's always nice to get together with family, especially to celebrate a wedding.

*Note: thanks to all the families who helped watch Jared and Allison while I was away! We really appreciated it.

Three kids, a bob, and a minivan

In the last three months I've reached three landmarks in my life as a mother.

In January I had my third child...

...in March I bobbed my hair (what Adam terms a "mom haircut"),

...and last weekend we purchased our first minivan (2003 Toyota Sienna Symphony).

There's no going back!
I guess we're a bunch of Swagger Wagoners now.

(Adam introduced me to the SW video the other day. It's worth the watch. Here's the link in case you're like I was and haven't seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql-N3F1FhW4)

Happy Birthday, Allison!

Allison turned two on Thursday. It's hard to believe she's two--it seems like just the other day we were celebrating Jared's second birthday. She is a sweet and spunky little girl, and we're very glad to have her in our family.

On Tuesday she had a little party with her two other "birthday buddies"--neighbor children who were born within a day or two of each other. Cupcakes + balloons + a bunch of two-year-olds = lots of fun! (and lots of crumbs, but we swept those up)

Thursday morning--her real birthday--we had brown-n-serve sausages with breakfast (one of her FAVORITE foods). While Jared was at preschool, we went shopping together at the dollar store (she brought her purse with her and kept it slung over her arm the whole time), picked out a birthday balloon, and played at the public library.

Snack time brought strawberries--another favorite--and then a trip to their friend Emmalyn's house. When Daddy came home we ate pizza and a Minnie Mouse cake and opened presents. Allison loved us singing the birthday song to her and blowing out the candles. Happy birthday, Allison!

Milk Police

3-12-2011

Every great once in a while during my day as a Mother something will remind me of my days as a college student. This happened again about a week ago, and it was Jared who triggered it. Lately he has gotten into the habit of finishing a meal and then carrying over the unfinished portion of his drink to the fridge to "save for later." Sometimes it's water, sometimes it's milk, and other times he doesn't do it at all. Cute, I thought. And so conscientious.

But it soon became not so cute the other day after lunch when he asked for "LOTS of milk, please." His food was already eaten, and I didn't think he could drink any more. Nevertheless, I naively I poured him "lots of milk" only to later discover the entire cup of milk sitting in the fridge. He hadn't consumed a drop of it. Light bulb moment! We have a rule at our house that the kids can have milk at breakfast and lunch, but dinner is water only. (I think it was born partially as an attempt to curb our household's milk consumption rate--currently two gallons a week, and counting--and partially because we don't want our kids to grow up unwilling to drink plain water.) But Jared and Allison LOVE milk and wish they could drink it at every meal. Can you see where this is going? Yes, Jared was smuggling milk. At the age of three. Right under my nose. He was stalking up at lunchtime and saving it for dinnertime when milk would not otherwise be available. Enterprising? Perhaps. Acceptable? Certainly not!

As I stared in disbelief at that green plastic cup full of saved milk, another image came to mind. A memory from long ago and far away... a memory from my days at BYU. The summer before I started college, I got a part-time job working as cashier at the Cannon Center. In addition to greeting hungry students, swiping hundreds of meal cards, and ensuring that everyone we served was following the dress code, I was also the food police. Since the Cannon Center served an all-you-can-eat buffet, no patron was allowed to take food outside the dining area. Looking back, I can see why they were tempted. There was a main menu line with two choices of entrées and sides; a full-size salad & fruit bar; a pasta bar; a waffle bar; a sandwich bar; a dessert bar; and a soft-serve ice cream bar. Thus the infamous "freshman fifteen" that Cannon Center eaters are purported to gain during their first year at the dorms (and this was in the days of the "old Cannon Center." I call the new one the Eateria Extravaganza, and if you've ever been inside, you'll probably agree that fifteen has increased to twenty--at least).

And so I stood at my secretarial podium and smiled and greeted and swiped and secretly watched for bagels behind books and bananas stuffed in water bottle backpack pockets. "Please keep the food in the dining area," I would recite as a new freshman stepped over the threshold with an apple in his hand and unwittingly committed his first crime on BYU campus. Even half-eaten items weren't allowed outside the doors. My manager was a friendly woman the age of my grandmother and with eyesight five times as good. She could spot a brownie on the run from yards away, and she would swoop down and, before the student knew what was happening, she would have her arm around him, guiding him back inside and explaining the rules to him in a way that made him feel like he had just been caught with his hand in HER cookie jar. I didn't have the grandmotherly advantage, but I still did my best to keep the Cannon Center from failing financially from the accumulation of a summer's worth of smuggled food.

Clearly, Jared has a ways to go before he will be ready to dine appropriately at a BYU cafeteria. In the meantime, I will work on teaching him an essential Washburn dining rule, inspired by my experience as food police at the Cannon Center: Chew it or Lose it!

Welcome, Baby Thomas!

Thomas Hal Washburn made his appearance in the world on Thursday, January 6, at 11:35pm. It was an exciting trip to the hospital--we made it there just half an hour before he was born! Thomas was 8 lbs 1 oz and 19 inches long, and is happy and healthy.

The kids and Thomas are getting along very well (with only a *few* minor incidents). They like holding him, patting him, and talking to him when he is awake. It's hard to believe that it's been two years since we welcomed Allison into our family... and three and a half years since Jared was born!

Allison is a great big sister. She is gentle and affectionate toward Thomas. She loves trailing behind Mommy as she feeds and takes care of Thomas. The baby's arrival has brought forth an inner interest in baby dolls, and Allison is always carting two of them around in her toy stroller, "burping" them on her shoulder, and rocking them to sleep. To our chagrin, she also likes to tease us by finding Thomas's pacifier and popping it in her own mouth. It's then we remember that Allison is practically still a baby herself. But she's learning some good big sister skills... under our close supervision.

Ever since we told Jared we were having another baby, he was convinced that it would be a "baby brother." He talked about his brother all the time, and when we told him that it might very well be a girl, he would declare that no, that was impossible. "It's just a boy." Well, lucky for Jared, it was! And now Jared talks about all the things he and Thomas will do when Thomas gets big enough--like driving toy cars together. Jared also enjoys holding and watching Thomas, and he always lets me know when Thomas is starting to cry and needs Mommy.

I love these three kids!